How to Help a Loved One Who Drinks: A Step-by-Step Guide

How can you tell it’s addiction and not just someone who “likes a drink”?

What points to addiction rather than social drinking is loss of control. The person promises themselves they will drink less or less often and doesn’t stick to it. Drinking harms their work, relationships or health, but they keep drinking. Over time, more alcohol is needed for the same effect, and withdrawal symptoms appear when they try not to drink.

Look not at one sign but at a combination of several:

• drinks alone or hides how much they have had;
• needs alcohol to feel “normal,” not to celebrate or relax;
• in the morning their hands shake, they feel sick and anxious, and it goes away once they drink again;
• work, studies or family suffer because of drinking, but they keep drinking;
• gets angry or makes excuses at any comment about how much they drink;
• has tried to quit on their own several times without success.

This list is not a diagnosis or a test with a cut-off score. A diagnosis of alcohol dependence is made by a doctor using the criteria of the international classification of diseases. But if you recognize several points, it is worth consulting an addiction doctor or psychotherapist, even if the person believes “everything is under control.” Read more about the signs in the article “Signs of Alcohol Addiction”.

What should you do first if you notice a problem?

The first step is not confrontation but your own preparation. Learn about addiction as an illness, decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, and get advice from a specialist yourself, even before talking to your loved one.

1. Get a consultation for yourself. A psychotherapist or addiction doctor will help assess the situation and suggest how to approach the conversation in your particular case.
2. Choose the moment. Talk when the person is sober and calm, and you have time to talk privately and without rushing.
3. Talk about facts and feelings instead of blaming. “I worry when…,” not “You’re doing it again…”.
4. Suggest a specific next step, such as a consultation, rather than a vague “something has to be done.”
5. Be prepared not to get agreement the first time. Decisions about treatment are rarely made after a single conversation.

How do you talk to someone who drinks so that it actually works?

A conversation works when the person feels supported rather than attacked: then they feel less need to get defensive and deny everything. Talk about your own feelings and specific facts, without labels or ultimatums made in the heat of the moment.

One conversation rarely solves everything, and that is to be expected. The goal of the first conversation is not to “win” but to show that the topic is open and that you are on the person’s side, not against them.

What should family members avoid?

Some reactions seem logical but actually sustain the addiction.

• Covering up the consequences — calling their workplace for them, making up excuses for relatives. This way the person never faces the consequences of their drinking.
• Shaming and comparing them with others (“your brother doesn’t drink”). This increases guilt but not the motivation to change.
• Drinking “together to keep it under control.” It doesn’t work and undermines your position.
• Giving ultimatums you are not prepared to follow through on. “Either treatment or divorce,” followed by nothing, undermines trust in anything you say.
• Ignoring your own well-being. Constant worry about a loved one is as exhausting as the addiction in the family itself.

What should you do if they refuse to admit there’s a problem?

Denial is a typical part of addiction, not a sign that the person is “just stubborn.” In Ukraine, an adult can be treated without their consent only in narrow cases defined by law, and that decision is not made by the family. So the realistic strategy is not pressure but steady groundwork for seeking help.

Three things help. The first is consultations for the family: a specialist teaches relatives how to talk to the person and how to respond to drinking so as not to reinforce it, while supporting any steps toward sobriety. The second is your own consistent position, without codependent behavior. The third is having the hotline number at hand and knowing where to turn when the person is ready.

How can you take care of yourself while your loved one isn’t ready for treatment?

Living alongside a loved one’s addiction is exhausting, even before they start treatment. Needing support separately from them is normal, and it is not a “betrayal.”

What can help:

• your own consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist — for you personally, not as a “third party”;
• mutual support groups for relatives of people with addiction, such as Al-Anon;
• clear boundaries on what you are and are not willing to put up with;
• a life of your own — work, relationships, rest — separate from your loved one’s problem.

If your whole life revolves around controlling someone else’s drinking and your own needs have been pushed aside, this sounds like codependency. Read more in the article “Codependency: What It Is and How to Break Free”.

When is emergency help needed?

Call 103 immediately, not “tomorrow when they’ve slept it off,” if the person has seizures, has lost consciousness or cannot be woken, sees or hears things that are not there, or does not understand where they are. Call just as urgently if the person talks about not wanting to live or is harming themselves. If aggression threatens your safety or the safety of others, call 102 or 112.

Suddenly quitting alcohol can also be dangerous. When a person with severe addiction who has been drinking heavily for a long time stops abruptly, severe withdrawal syndrome may develop. Its complications are seizures and alcohol delirium (acute confusion, hallucinations). They occur in a minority of cases but are life-threatening. That is why, with severe addiction, quitting abruptly without a doctor is not advisable: stopping drinking and treating withdrawal should take place under a doctor’s supervision, at home or in an inpatient unit. Do not try to get someone through binge withdrawal on your own.

Read more about withdrawal syndrome in the article “Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome”. How a doctor helps a person come off a binge is described on the “Alcohol withdrawal treatment at home” and “Inpatient alcohol withdrawal treatment” pages.

Where can you get help?

FAVOR helps not only people with addiction but also their families: relatives can consult a psychotherapist and attend family meetings. You can get advice even before your loved one agrees to treatment. The options are described in the “Rehabilitation” section and on the “Alcohol addiction rehabilitation” page. The hotline works 24/7, and a family member can call too.

Frequently asked questions

Can I send a loved one to treatment without their consent?

In Ukraine, treating an adult without their consent is possible only in narrow cases defined by law, and the decision is not made by the family. But you can lay the groundwork for them to seek help on their own: consult a specialist and keep a consistent position.

How long does it take to get from “we noticed a problem” to treatment?

It varies. Sometimes the person agrees to a consultation right away; sometimes it takes months. Speed here is not a measure of whether you are doing things “right.”

Will it help if I see a psychologist too, not just my loved one?

Yes, and it is often the first real step when the person is not ready yet. A consultation helps relatives cope with how they are feeling and prepare for the conversation so that it has a chance of working.

Is it anonymous, and how much does a consultation for relatives cost?

How confidentiality works, including for relatives, is explained in the article “Anonymous Addiction Treatment”. Consultation prices are on the “Prices” page.

This article is for information only and does not replace a consultation with a doctor or psychologist. Self-medication may be harmful to your health. If the situation is acute or there is a threat to life, call 103 or 112, or the 24/7 hotline.